Right person, right time

In the horticulture industry, there’s a saying: Right plant, right place.

This saying illustrates a key ecological principle, and it lends itself well to my dating philosophy. See, gardeners don’t actually grow anything. Plants grow when resources are available, and a gardener helps this along with things like soil amendments for better draining, moisture retention, and nutrient availability. Requirements for sunlight and watering will change depending on what species is chosen, and the conditions above (climate) and below (root zone).

Now, let’s look at dating. For a healthy relationship to grow, checking existing conditions and making adjustments when necessary brings us closer to the goal of having a great relationship. And like some plants take years to establish themselves, we can’t let up on our cultural activities just because we don’t see big bushy top growth right away. A lot could be happening beneath the surface. Gardening is a labour of love. So is dating!

Here’s a couple stories from my own dating experiences to walk this post home.

In my mid-twenties, I had an acquaintance for five years before getting to know him one-on-one. We became friends. They say the best relationships come from being friends first, so I thought this was the right time to move into something more. I had a blast being on my own, and I felt ready for a relationship.

We started seeing each other romantically. Pretty soon, I spent all my time at his place. I noticed we only watched movies he chose and went to restaurants he picked. He even picked the dress I’d wear. If I sat down to write, he was asking if I was done yet before I could finish a sentence! Almost overnight, the relationship encroached on my sense of self. If it were a plant in my garden, it demanded more resources than I could manage, and it had to go.

Right time, wrong person.

Here’s another story dealing with the opposite.

In 2017, I met someone through a shared hobby and we hit it off, however, I was reeling from a family crisis and dating wasn’t a priority for me then. Besides, we met at a time when he was already finalizing a move to another continent! Wrong time. We tried it out anyway and as expected, the energy faltered, though we stayed friends.

Years went by. A lot changed for both of us. He moved back home, we took up new hobbies and learned a lot about ourselves. We were both progressing in our careers. We danced with the idea of dating again, although it didn’t come to fruition because we were exploring other relationships. Again, wrong time. Not exactly unrequited love; we were never that involved, though he seemed like the right person.

Right person, right time doesn’t mean there’s only one person or time that will lead to a relationship, just like a garden contains many different plants that have potential to thrive. It’s really about knowing your specific site, or in dating, your values and non-negotiables.